| Recovering from multiple losses takes time, grief work, | | | | their trust funds, their assets, and are required to file |
| and years of painful self-examination. You do not | | | | regular reports with the court. The paperwork is |
| recover from multiple losses, you learn to live with | | | | enough to make anyone cry. |
| them. The process requires acceptance, reconciliation, | | | | 3. Personal stuff. My computer is in our office and I use |
| and the creation of a new life. I have lived all of these | | | | it daily. When I walk to my computer chair I see my |
| things. | | | | daughter's black purse -- evidence of a life cut short. |
| In February of 2007 my daughter died from the injuries | | | | Though we should probably get rid of the purse my |
| she received in a car crash. Two days later, on the | | | | husband and I cannot do it. Sometimes my grandson |
| same weekend, my father-in-law succumbed to | | | | wears his father's belt and my granddaughter wears |
| pneumonia. The deaths stunned me. I was still stunned | | | | her mother's jacket. Seeing these personal items, |
| eight weeks later when my brother died of cancer. | | | | hearing them use my daughter's expressions, make |
| Then, nine months later, my former son-in-law died | | | | me choke up. How I wish my loved ones were here |
| from the injuries he received in a car crash. | | | | and could see the twins growing into handsome, |
| When people hear my story they say the same thing: | | | | responsible adults. |
| "It's unbelievable." I have trouble believing it myself. Two | | | | 4. Time factor. According to "Coping with Multiple |
| years have passed since my daughter and | | | | Deaths," an article on the Facing Bereavement |
| father-in-law died. Soon I will mark the second | | | | website, recovering from multiple losses "will take |
| anniversary of my brother's death. My sense of humor | | | | longer than just for one loss." Mourners may have to |
| has returned and I can tell stories about my loved ones | | | | postpone some activities, the article goes on to say. I |
| without breaking down. But every once in a while, | | | | postponed activities after each death. Interestingly, I |
| totally without warning, I start to cry. | | | | grieved for my loved ones in the order they died. This |
| Why do I cry? I have identified five reasons for the | | | | was not a conscious decision, it just worked out that |
| return of tears and some may be familiar to you. | | | | way. |
| 1. Empty feeling. Kristi A. Dyer, MD, MS, FT writes | | | | 5. New relationships. Forming new relationships with |
| about painful losses in an article, "Dealing with Sudden, | | | | loved ones is part of the grief work of multiple losses. |
| Accidental and Traumatic Loss and Death," on After | | | | Therese A. Rando, PhD writes about grief work in her |
| these kinds of losses Dyer says the "family may be | | | | book, "How to Go on Living when Someone You Love |
| left feeling in a state of perpetual disarray." Dyeer | | | | Dies." Accepting death is first on the grief work list. |
| says family members may have a lingering sense of | | | | Forming a realistic view of departed loved ones |
| unease and be disorganized. Though two years have | | | | comes next. I have happy and sad memories of my |
| passed I continue to have an empty feeling. | | | | loved ones. Thankfully, I was able to reconcile these |
| 2. Legal/financial responsibilities. One death creates a | | | | memories over time. "You develop a composite |
| mountain of legal and financial paperwork. You may | | | | memory of him which you can retain," notes Rando. |
| find overdue, unpaid bills for example. If one loss | | | | All of these points -- forming new relationships, the time |
| creates a mountain of paperwork, multiple losses | | | | factor, seeing personal stuff, legal/financial |
| create a mountain range. In her will, our daughter | | | | responsibilities, coping with emptiness-- can make you |
| appointed my husband and me as guardians of her | | | | cry. But tears are a good thing. We cry because we |
| twins. After the twins' father died we became their | | | | loved someone and we can be proud of that. In time, |
| legal guardians and fiscal conservators. We manage | | | | our tears of sorrow become tears of joy. |